November Thresholds
My Death Doula training reminds me that endings are not failures — they are natural and essential parts of living. Every goodbye, every change, every release asks something of us: to trust the unfolding, to stay present, and to love even as we let go.
My first Doula patient was a lovely elderly man. He was remarkably organized — preparing for his death many years in advance, making lists, gathering documents, planning his service, writing his obituary. He spoke of his wife, who had died long before, and of reuniting with his parents. He was ready! Or so he thought…
I, too, love lists. I’m good at taking care of business, organizing, planning, and getting things done. Lists give me a sense of direction and control. But no matter how much I plan, I still find myself standing in moments with no roadmap, no way to think my way through. That’s where he was when we met.
These are the moments that ask us to surrender — to soften, to release our grip, to let life be what it is.
It is BIG work!
I remember my mom reading Jon Kabat-Zinn’s Wherever You Go, There You Are in the 90s. I didn’t know what the book was about at the time, but the title sure stayed with me. She would tell my sisters and me, “Wherever you go, girls, there you are. You can’t outrun the hard stuff.”
But lordy, she sure tried. Her cancer journey spanned more than 30 years as she lived through divorce, raising and launching her daughters primarily on her own, starting a business at 53, and all the while living a full and robust life. The phrase became her mantra, a daily reminder to herself that peace and contentment come from within, not from chasing success, belonging, purpose, security, or love. We humans chase so much!
Diana, my dearest childhood friend, lives daily with stage-four chronic Lyme and long COVID. Her health reality shapes how she spends her time, where she places her energy, and how she loves. She is one of the most optimistic and grateful people I know. She often asks me: “What if we already have everything we need? What if there’s nothing to fix?” I know she’s right to be asking, but it can be hard to hear when I’m working so darn hard.
What if there’s nothing to do but just be? I sometimes turn away from that idea of being fully present in life, turning inward for companionship and acceptance, and staying with what-is when there are so many other things going on- real-life stuff like mortgages, family needs, bills, and the thousand daily pressures that tug us away from presence.
When my kids were little, there were times when it truly was about survival — just getting through the day without losing anyone or losing my shit. The stimulation was constant. The decisions endless. It makes perfect sense to tighten your grip because it can feel like you are on the frickin rollercoaster from hell.
Trying to control outcomes can feel like that- purposeful, productive, and safe making. But what if that grasping — that attachment to a specific outcome — is actually the source of our suffering?
I’m not suggesting we throw responsibility out the window. What I am suggesting (and coaching myself on every day) is that we practice knowing ourselves, and lean into loving what we find. That kind of connection brings an ease that far surpasses anything we could find outside ourselves.
Letting things be what they are disrupts our need to control in order to feel safe. As Diana says, trying to control life is like spinning our wheels in the dirt — exhausting and terribly ineffective.
Acceptance does not mean we give up and become invertebrates. It means we honestly acknowledge what is, which becomes the foundation for conscious and intentional living.
This is the heart of my work — as a doula, as a coach, as a guide for parents and individuals navigating life’s thresholds.
It is about learning to be with ourselves, with our children, with our truth — without grasping, fixing, or forcing.
It is about walking across life’s thresholds with presence, courage, and compassion.
And it begins, always, right where you are.
